Commando Juvenile Institute of Training
As a consequence of the burgeoning ranks of up-and-coming young commandos, September of 2007 saw the advent of the Commando Juvenile Institute of Training.
By Prezidential decree, all recruits under the age of six months reported to the classroom for a (semi)formal commando education.
Ten courageous teachers bravely fought to educate the raw recruits in the following important subjects:
Bath Avoidance 333: Three basic types of baths to avoid:
1) The Spray Bottle or Shower;
2) The Water Bowl or Bath Dish; and
3) Freestyle Avoidance.
(Major Rosebud, Instructor)
Biting 101: Subjects included:
1) Strategic biting;
2) Biting for fun;
3) Keeping those beaks sharp, sharp, sharp;
4) Biting with purpose: Designer clothes, haircuts and body piercing;
5) The Lunge and How to Get Away with It; and
6) Finding the tender spots.
(Captain Trixie, Instructor)
Cultural Traditions 250. The history of our fearless forebears and their struggle for world domination.
(Captain Luke, Instructor)
Dermatology 401. Topics included:
1) Removing neck bumps without getting caught;
2) Getting those pesky nose hairs;
3) Ear hair removal while on the fly;
4) Eyebrow plucking;
5) That dark spot on Dad's hand; and
6) Basic mole removal.
(Corporal Little Dickens, Instructor)
Fine Art & Food Flinging 300
Fine Arts including:
1) Making your own paint with food;
2) The best products to use as paint;
3) Painting eggs;
4) Floor and wall painting;
5) Feather painting;
6) How to make a peanut shell hat.
Food Flinging including:
1) Splash and shake;
2) Dunk and toss;
3) Grab and spit;
4) Food fights
(Lieutenant Dilly, Instructor)
Fruit and Veggie Avoidance 220. Lesson plans covered:
1) The color of the enemy;
2) The many ways hoomans will try to prepare fruit and veggies;
3) Guarding against tempting food presentation;
4) Ways of refusal;
5) Hiding peppers in your feathers to make them "gone"; and
6) The absolute right of refusal.
(Lieutenant Missy, Instructor)
General Mayhem & Mischief 200. The class was indeed mayhem and mischief! But dang they were good!
(Lieutenant Half Pint, Instructor)
Hollering 101. Lessons given in:
1) Introduction to hollering: How, why, volume and duration of the holler;
2) The Single PEEP;
3) The Streaming PEEP;
4) The Dreaded Double PEEP;
5) Fine Tuning: Proper use of volume and pitch.
(Recruit Kiwi, Instructor; Recruit Wigit, Asst. Instructor)
Precision Pooping 150. "Objective" instruction in:
1) Basic bombing techniques;
2) Prime targets;
3) Timed release and proper aim;
4) Navigation tips; AND
5) The obstacle course!
(Colonel Pipsqueak, Instructor)
Toy Destruction 120. Class syllabus:
1) Beak whacking;
2) Shakin' and rattlin';
3) Jingly bells;
4) Shredders and soft wood;
5) Showing who is boss;
6) Basic "Let 'Em Fall" techniques.
(Lieutenant PeeWee, Instructor)
Recess & Play Gym Supervisor: Lieutenant Sunny
Class Counselor: Recruit Bubba
Milleteria Chef: Major Emril
Janitor: Recruit Whistler
Yearbook Photographer: Lieutenant PeeWee
(See the Class Photos Here)
At the conclusion of the term, the Class of 2007 and its instructors were acknowledged by Principal Brockley:
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